im so fucking done.

Vespa’s laying upside down on her blanket fast asleep and I think she’s dreaming about eating because she’s doing the mouth movements.

playing mass effect 3 on insanity. aw yiss

Man I’m loving Sage Francis’s Copper Gone album lately… It’s helping my timid self that keeps slipping back into depression to just kind of, be angry and get out of it for the time being.

I’m trying to figure out the problems causing me to just suddenly drop off track lately. I know I said it was a lack of my own transportation, but I think that’s only a small portion. Something else is going on and I just can’t quite put my finger on it yet,

So once again, Uncle Sage and his amazing work comes to help me out.

Update on the spider issue:

I boiled the kettle and dealt with it outside. 

and in an ironic twist of events: The tires I bought have a spider web design on them. 

ew ew eweewewew. I’m changing out my tires and I just took off the front wheel and I figured “hey, may as well clean all those hard to reach areas whilst I’m at it!”

fucking spider egg sac in one of the dips between the disc brake and the hub.

ugh fuck how do I get rid of it? I don’t wanna poke it with anything in case they come running out.

someone on Facebook invited me to join some app called badoo. I clicked on it and then kind of forgot about it.

since then, I’ve had about 45 middle aged dudes telling me I’m handsome.

My new wheel arrived today, along with the new tires, my knee pads and some pants which are kind of too tight but I can make it work. 

Now I just need to wait until I can go to the shop so they can put the cassette on the new wheel.

TNT come on now, it’s friday. come back.

theheartfeelsfree replied to your post:things.

You can do it, mate! Dog walking sounds awesome. Not too much responsibility, and it’ll calm your anxiety down because pets are so calming! Maybe take the first step and enquire? And then take it step by step from there? ^_^

yeah I enquired and they said to just sign up for the training and they hope to see me soon. but it’s just getting there y’know? if i rode a bike, it’d take like 45 minutes each way. buses are weird and it’d be expensive over time and relying on someone to take me just makes me feel even more anxious lol.

Those electric bikes sound pretty awesome, and if I could get my hands on one i’d probably take up the training but idk, if commuting doesn’t feel like a breeze, I tend to just not do the thing.


So finally learning that I’ve got another year of waiting until we hear back from immigration I’m looking to have something to do. Obviously I can only do volunteer work but also it’s pretty strict that the job can’t be a job someone would usually get paid for

the SPCA are looking for dog walkers, and honestly I would love to do that. They told me that falls within the guidelines of acceptable voluntary work for someone without a work permit, so it sounds perfect right? Well, it’s not.
My problem is my anxiety. I’m so anxious of doing things and committing myself to do this thing on this day at this time is like panic overload for me.

Of course, the pros outweigh the cons, its just that the con is something I can’t exactly push myself to do. The breaking technique has never really been successful with me. 

So I don’t know what I should do. I don’t want to sign up then back out and let them down. But I feel I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t have anything productive to do. I’m thinking that seeing as 70% of me is noping right now, it’s a good enough reason to just leave it for a while. 

I’ve been getting really depressed and stressed out lately. My parents coming to visit was a nice break from it, but since they’ve been gone, it’s all come rushing back in. 

Like, I know I need to be doing something, but anything I can do I have to rely on Jordan to get me there. If i wanna ride my bike, she needs to drive me, if I was gonna do airsoft, she’d need to drive me. So in a way, I’ve rewound back to being in college and having no transport of my own. 

I don’t think a temporary resident can learn to drive here and even if I could, I don’t make enough money to afford a car. I could ride Otis but jesus that would take the wind out of me just going up the first hill. It’s fast on dirt but the road is just a no-no, plus I couldn’t leave it locked up anywhere because a bike like that would be stolen as soon as I turn my back.
Electric powered bicycles are a thing, also those electric scooters with pedals but finding one for under $200 is going to be a challenge. 

So through writing all this out I think I’ve figured out that I’m stressed because I can’t go anywhere on my own terms.


and my mum just emailed me saying she’s booked the hotels for her next visit 5th-20th of june. sweet.

Argh, today is Scotland’s day to maybe or maybe not be independent from the UK. 

There’s a lot of issues which are important for people to vote no on, but I really hope they get the yes.

I grew up there, and whilst most people hated me for being English, there were things I noticed that I didn’t realize until I was older.

I remember being at my friend’s house with another friend there too, I guess we were about 9/10, and we were watching TV. Advertisements come on and somehow we get onto the topic of how much they hate England because all that’s ever on TV are adverts made in England. And you know what? Now that I think about it, they have a major point. The most ‘Scottish’ thing you’ll see on UK TV is maybe an actor here and there with a Scottish accent, maybe a Scottish commentator on the football coverage. But that’s about it. 

And then the other day, someone in a video said it perfectly. “it’s the little things too, like Andy Murray - if he wins, he’s ‘british’, if he loses he’s Scottish.”  this is so true. 

Scotland has always been overshadowed by England (i suspect wales and NI too) and to see that discomfort in little kids is horrible.

Politically - Scotland never gets a say in who comes into power in the UK, so they’re stuck with a prime minister they didn’t vote in, time and time again. And seeing as parliament is run in London, Scotland’s needs are just kind of… ignored.

If I still lived there, I’d be voting Yes today. Sure there might be higher taxes whilst they build a central bank, sure they might need to fund other things but you know what? At least they’re looking after themselves and I’d put my money on them doing a much better job than what any parliament in at least my time alive has.

Unfortunately, a lot of people are afraid of the unknown and thus, will vote no. Let’s face a fact here: If David Cameron actually thought they’d win independence, he wouldn’t have allowed them to campaign in the first place. 

A bright side for England: If they do vote Yes, Cameron will be pressured to step down as prime minister. So it’s in the rest of the UK’s interests too :P



One of the downsides to living mostly stealth is not exactly knowing how to approach instances of casual transphobia (for lack of a better term, explanation to follow) without potentially implicating myself. 

I was working in the backroom putting clearance stickers on a bunch of plastic Sterilite containers when I overheard our receiver say “sh-e, he—they’re still pricing stuff.” I cringed because misgendering so rarely happens, and it’s only by people who had to make the adjustment. I’ve learned that the less bothered I look, the less people suspect anything and just assume it’s a run of the mill slip of the tongue, so I just continued working like I didn’t hear anything. 

About 2 minutes go by and a group of team members (mixed company, 2 knew me pre-transition, 3 met me once I was nearly a year on T) come back to push the product I’m marking to the floor and I made some joking comment about them invading my personal bubble. Like clockwork, one of the team members says “she’s working as fast as possible.” She realized her mistake as soon as I met her eyes, because we all know that face, the “oh god, I’m so sorry” that never quite reaches the mouth because they’re afraid to embarrass you more. 

What happened next was something I haven’t quite adjusted to yet. One of the guys who hasn’t the faintest clue of my situation starts laughing and says “did you just call him a she? Boy, you weren’t kidding, you are tired today.” Obviously, she and I both see this as an opportunity to salvage the situation and I say “I understand, I am very pretty” and she says “obviously I need to go home, pushing all this plastic is getting to me.” Situation saved, no one feels weird, tada. We can move on. 

The problem is that someone always needs to take it a step too far. He makes a comment about men in dresses and makeup and makes an off-color comment about anatomy all while basically roaring with laughter nothing I care to repeat, tbh. Thankfully, no one else saw the humor in it, so he left it there and they left me alone shortly thereafter.

Part of me wants to be able to say that, regardless of my own personal circumstance, I should be able to speak up against people saying shitty things. The issue is that I don’t know how, I don’t know how to speak in support of trans issues without risking someone making a leap about me. It’s the main issue I find that separates me as a stealth trans man versus a cis ally who can speak up against shitty things. It will always be too personal for me and I will always feel like everyone will be able to see right through me. I’m afraid that someone will criticize me for caring/not taking a joke/etc. and I won’t be able to bluff my way through when they accidentally hit the nail on the head.

^ Bolded for UGH YES. I worry about this kind of thing a lot. Luckily I haven’t encountered too much, yet.

In addition, if I’m in a situation where some people know and some don’t, I have this fear that if someone makes an offensive comment, or something else about trans issues comes up, and I speak up about it (with no intention of outing myself), I’m afraid the people who know my situation will take that as me putting myself out there or something, and see that as permission to talk about me being trans to the people who don’t know.

During my time in college, I had friends who knew and friends who didn’t. We’d all been on trips together, sleeping in the same room. Most of them had hugged me and not even noticed my binder, I was also mysteriously off for 6 weeks having my chest surgery. A few weeks in, once I came back, there was this casual discussion which somehow lead to the same kind of thing bravelittletran just mentioned. 
My friends who knew were there too and they felt suuuper awkward, but I just piped in and was like “hey, what exactly do you know of trans* people because what you just said is really shitty and ignorant.” It was a conversation killer, no one did but if anyone ever challenged me I would just have said I have trans* friends and it’s horrible to see what they have to go through.
It’s scary to try and do it because like you feel like they’re gonna figure you out, but honestly, if they were they would have already. Most people who think that ignorantly that they make comments like that seem to think they’d know a trans* person when they see one and alas, you’re safe because they’re dipshits. 
Contfrontation is scary as all hell but most people tend to back down when you do it.

nightdestroyer replied to your photo:Are you kidding? This got released like a week…

haha daaamn that thing is sexy. does it cost a ton at least? anything to make you not feel so bad about missing out?

nah man it was the same price as the one i bought! ughhh